The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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