Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
