We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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