The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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