just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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