Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
