I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
