im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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