Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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