New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
