I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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