I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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