I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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