im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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