I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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