is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
