And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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