Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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