FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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