I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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