It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
