whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
