Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just invented taco cereal.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
