I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Sober January is a disaster.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
