I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
