my mouth tastes like poor choices
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
