Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
