I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am full of burrito and curiosity
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
