somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i barfeds in our rink
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
