He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I need water and some morals
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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