It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
