The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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