census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
