It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
