We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
