Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
