Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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