I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
