he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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