I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
