So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dignity is for republicans.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
