I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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