Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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