I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
