I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So vagazzling was a success
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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