i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
