if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
this boner is exhausting
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
