xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My life is pants optional.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
