thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
