Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
