Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
