In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
