I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
