Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
